Home > Fun fun fun, Television & Film > The L Word Recap: Episode 605

The L Word Recap: Episode 605

Bette and Tina are at The Planet  simultaneously talking on the phone.  Alice and Helena are both trying to read the newspaper.  Yay smart pretty ladies!  I block out the dialogue and pretend they’re talking to each other to amuse myself.

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Bette:  No I’m not sure what happened to our characters but Robinson is on this episode so there is some semblance of hope.

Tina:  How do you think Angie is doing with monitoring the construction on our house?

Bette: She’s got it.

Bette’s  is actually talking house talk and Tina is talking movie talk. Evidently Jenny sold another script she was writing when everyone was asleep because the devil doesn’t rest.  Everyone agrees this is all exciting. I would replace the word exciting with impossible but whatever.

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Hold on to that picture because we’re going to see that face again except the person making it isn’t trying to look like that on purpose.

Tina tells them the script sold for 1/2 a mil and is totally different from Les Girls. This one is about a talk show host who falls for a cop and they get involved in a murder mystery. Wait this reminds me of something.  Apparently it also reminds Alice of something.

picture-34Alice flips her shit and runs off to confront Jenny but, of course not before she says “Schecter is so fucking dead.”  At least this motive is a bit more plausible (and foreshadowyyyyyy)  than a broken heart(Nikki Stevens) or being called names by someone who you shouldn’t respect anyway (did you hear me Max?).

At the Shenny shack Alice bursts in and yells at Jenny for stealing her idea and selling it as her own. Jenny gives her some shit metaphor about different writers drinking from the same idea well.  Is that how she dies? Maybe she drowned in the idea well trying to steal someone else script about a young naive girls who moves to L.A to be with her boyfriend and realizes she’s a lesbian?

Shane comes out of her office and Alice tells her she can’t consider her a friend if she continues to shack up (did she say scheck up?) with Jenny and walks out.

Shane’s response to Jenny, “She’s pissed off!” Well. Bravo. Where’s you hat captain obvious? Did Jenny make you get rid of it when you rifled through each other’s closets last week? (That sounded dirty and I didn’t mean it to.)

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Back at The Planet Alice returns to find Bette and Tina still “working from home” and tracking Angie on their cell phone GPS.  She gets a text from Jamie and goes from this

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to this

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Side Note: I realized now that Jamie looked familiar and did the good ‘ole googly search on the tubes to discover she was in X-men: The Last stand as Psylocke.

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Yeah. Let’s. Talk. About. That.

Bette and Tina give each other the “oh we know you and Tasha totally want to do it to her and maybe that involves someone getting tied up” look. Well maybe I added the last bit of that sentence.  Don’t judge me.  Nonetheless they have their wise mamma hens coupley eyes on which apparently looks like this.

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Bette gives us her rendition of a nursery rhyme that I’m really hoping she doesn’t sing to Angelica because that’s just awkward.  My google searching tells me that “third wheel crush” is not a real term people use but since its Angela Robinson I think we shouldn’t just let it slide but we should find a way to incorporate it into the lesbian lexicon.  Bette and Tina explain the signs of a third wheel crush as follows:

  • Couple dating start to get bored with one another.
  • Said couple meets a new friend that they do everything with.
  • Couple’s relationship is revitalized.
  • Everything is great until one person in the couple develops feelings for said third wheel crush.

Then Bette does her best impersonation of Kit with  “you betta check yourself before you wreck yaself”. Quick Bette do it before she hears you. Uh oh ,Baby gurl, she does not look happy.

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Then they all proceed to make fun of Alice in most adorable way.

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Oh Robinson, thank god for you and you un-chaiken-ness. See I play the make terms up game too.

Speaking of terrible segues, Kit points us to Helena and her plans to have dinner with Dylan on Saturday night. After everybody flips out on her and Bette closes her laptop for the 6th time in ten minutes,  Helena explains that Dylan has “colonized her thoughts.” Maybe that’s a British thing.

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Everyone advises against it but decide to kick it 1st season style and scheme to find out if Dylan is for real.   Somewhere (in a waterfall) Dana is smiling.  Somewhere in Paris Lara is trying to remember who Dana is.

They need to give Dylan a test of character without her knowing it. Kit suggest they hire an escort to seduce Dylan. Guys please respond for us.

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Bette, genius that she is, suggests they get Nikki Stephens to pretend she wants Dylan to direct her next big project and try to get in her pants. They get Shane to convince Nikki to do it and they recruit Jenny to impersonate Nikki’s manager and set things up with Dylan. This is possibly the best execution of Jenny’s crazy that I’ve ever seen. Mostly because she uses the the term “whipper-snapper” and seems serious about it being a part of her normal vocabulary.

Later, Shane comes home and Jenny tells her what they were plotting. OH but Jenny, Shane knows too because she saw Nikki and I don’t think you’re going to like the sound of that at all.  Jenny tells Shane she forbids her to see Nikki and her reason is that Nikki betrayed them. As in, they are now an “us” in like a creepy pod people kind of way and I think Shane just realized she just checked her luggage and can’t get off the crazy train.

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Jenny goes on about loyalty to her and that Shane should hate Nikki because she hates Nikki.  Shane asks her what’s wrong with her about 3 season too late and walks away.  Jenny decides to say she’s wrong (read: doesn’t actually mean she’s wrong) and that she needs to trust Shane. She should probably also trust the doctors so they can help her get better.

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Remember the crazy eyes I spoke of earlier? Well they’re back and in full effect on Elizabeth Berkeley’s face

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Bette, Tina, Jesse Spano, and some artist are having dinner before his opening. He asks how they know each other and Bette says simply that Kelly was her mentee ia art history.  Kelly gets humorously offended and explains that Bette was in love with her but is now “taken by the lovely Tina Kennard.”  Bette reiterates that they’ve been happily together for a very long time.  Now you just met that guy so there is obviously no need to fill him in on the..ohhhh…you cheating on tina, her dating a man, you dating someone else then cheating on them with Tina…but Bette you can’t lie to us. We’ll make Jesse Spano look into your soul and bring the truth out all over you nice dinner.

When Bette walks away to take a call Kelly (do you think her last name is Kipowski cause that would be weird)  asks Tina if it bugs her that she flirts openly Bette, Tina says no because Bette knows that if she cheated on Tina that would be the end of them.  Tina reassure Kelly that if it makes her feel sexy and scandalous then have at it.  Kelly replies “I will” but she says it like Tina told her to enjoy her dinner selection and if her shirt is any indication I deduce this woman is an animal.

kellyJust when Bette gets back William and Aaron, Tina’s Les Girls prick producers, walk in with two writers Tina has been working with for three years.  When? and Where?  Tina says in Hollywood its the way you know you been fired and Bette looks like she’s gonna tear some shit up.

Back at Hit Helena, Alice, and Kit walk into what was Dawn Denbo’s monster security system which includes wall to wall monitors hooked up to a camera in every possible corner and microphones so you can hear everything at every table.

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Jenny and Shane walk in holding hands (AGAIN!) and Alice wants to know why Jenny is there.  Jenny opens that hot mess of a mouth of hers just long enough to piss Alice off (which we must never do) and mention Beverly Hills Cop.  I find Jenny’s references in life really disturbing. Alice delivers some more foreshadowy dialogue and tells Jenny to stay away from her “before I fucking kill you.” They all see Dylan walk in like a scared deer with papers in her hand and I already feel sorry for whats about to happen to her.  Nikki shows up and calls Shane to let her know and Jenny, of course, is not happy about that.

Helena has to decide if she actually wants to go through with the plan and everyone in the room is encouraging her and I have a very bad feeling about this but Helena finally says “do it.”  (No. You do it. Naked).

Back at the restaurant the table is watching Aaron and William laugh heartily. Kelly thinks, “Hollywood is so tacky.”  I agree except replace “Hollywood” with your shirt.   Bette calls Aaron a scum-sucking fucking miscreant and Tina decides she needs some air and heads over to the bar or as I like to call it my medicine cabinet. Just as she walks away Bette puts on her game face and walks over to Aaron and William’s table.

Some shit’s about to go down ya’ll.  Bette has her angry power lesbian eyes a glowin’

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Bette starts going off on  Aaron and Tina rushes over to stop her because she can defend herself.  Just as Bette beings to apologize Aaron say the one thing that seals his death and zeros Bette’s laser eyes on him.  He says “I’m so happy to be done with dykes.”  Woah.  Aaron.  Buddy, let’s give you a second to back track before we shove your dinner fork in your skull.

Tina and Bette both turn back to him and she asks him what he just said and like a moron he repeats it. Well Aaron. Pal. You should probably remove all the the sharp objects from the table.  Unfortunately you can’t remove Tina’s tongue which is about to whip your homophobic ass.  Tina lets loose on him, tells the writers that he called them hacks and reveals that William stole the negative of his own movie to claim insurance.  KABLAM!  That, my friends, was the sound of explosion that just occurred in Bette’s pants.

In Hit’s fortress of solitude the gang is still watching watching Nikki put the moves on Dylan at Hit.  Poor Dylan is talking seriously about filmmaking and Nikki is just biding time before she inappropriately touches her.  She goes in for the kill and tell Dylan she will only work with her if Dylan goes home with her tonight.  Like a good girl she says that she guesses she’s not directing Nikki’s movie because its unethical to get involved with the star and she’s in love with someone.

Success!

Everyone starts leaving the room and Alice hangs around to do a quick zoom in on Jamie and Tasha walking into the club and makes a noise that is entering the danger zone and the danger zone is in my pants.

Helena walks down into the club and sits down with Dylan.  She tells her that Tina told her what dylan said about being in  love with her and they decided to go somewhere private so they can “talk” with their clothes off.

Nikki is out on the dance floor distracting the camera from the more important dancers on the floor, Tasha, Alice and Jamie.

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Shane is watching from the sidelines and she turns around to find Jenny read her text messages for something from Nikki.  Ladies, this is not the kind of girl you want to date.  This is the kind of girl that starts off reading your texts and will only leave you alone long enough to chops your horse’s head off and leave it in your bed.

The trio joins Shane and Jenny at their seats and Shane desperately and rudely interrupts whatever poetry is flowing from Alice’s lips to tell her she just needs to get away from Jenny for five minutes.  I just need to get away from her for the next three episodes Shane.  We can’t all win.  Since Alice isn’t speaking to Jenny, Shane just asks that Alice warn her if Jenny goes looking for her.  She gets up to go and Jenny is on her like what Tasha would call “White on rice.”  Shane lies and tells her she left her headlights on.  The crazy looks like its welling up in Jenny’s demon eyes but Shane insists she will only be five minutes.

Back at Dylan’s place, Helena is standing awkwardly and looking at Dylan’s pictures and exclaims, “I don’t really know what I’m doing here” and I don’t know why you’re doing it clothed but alright.

They sit down to talk about rubber trees and Helena says she’s not really interested in hearing about rubber trees.

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Me neither.  Let’s make with the removing of the clothes please. As much as I’m objectifying this it is clearly going to be one of those “let’s make love” moments as opposed to the “let’s fuck” moment which I’m fine with.  What I’m not fine with is the obscure glowing shimmery shit that’s in the way.

Either Dylan’s house is haunted by perverted ghost or Angela R. forgot to tell someone to put the camera in front of the table.

picture-75That, however, will not slow the flow of blood to one’s lower parts…of pictures.

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Naturally, this seems like good time to cut to another scene and we see Shane free of Jenny and smoking a cigarette outside the club.  Nikki walks up to her and ask to bum a cig. They then proceed to stand about awkwardly thinking of more ways to bore me.   Shane begins to walk away and Nikki as why she isn’t talking to her.  I forgot Nikki didn’t know about Shane and Jenny.  Nikki thought that when Shane came to see her earlier that she was trying to re-kindle their balcony bar affair but Shane has to set her straight (gayly forward?).  She apologizes for misleading her and that she’s a “super sweet girl” and if jenny weren’t in the picture things would be different (cue motive # 5493853A450294582…yeah there’s a letter in there…so what?!)

Meanwhile, Jamie, Alice, and Tasha have started arguing with Jenny about stealing Alice’s screenplay idea just in time for Shane to walk in and get roped in to the madness.  According to Jenny, Alice is letting bullshit get in between their friendship and they’re supposed to be good friends.   Actually I remember hating Alice really not liking you from the start Jenny.  You’re what we like to call an acquaintance of good friends.

Jenny’s logic in the argument is that Alice is forcing Shane to pick a side and so therefore she will make Shane pick one. 5 year say what?

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Shane refuses and Jenny storms off and takes her binky with her.  Alice wants to leave but Jamie and Tasha both try to convince her otherwise because they need to dance together again and again and again…sorry

On the dance floor Jenny and Shane are arguing.  Apparently Shane is making Jenny act paranoid and accuses Shane of fucking Nikki in the bathroom.  Shane tells her not to put her in a box or cut her hair with a misshapen bowl and Jenny storms off.  Shane, just.let. her. go.

Shane grabs her and tells Jenny she’s her “dear darling” friend and we shall add an alliteration feather to your hat.

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Shane says if she has to choose, right then, between their friendship and their relationship she chooses their friends ship.  And I, sirs, choose death! To the Planks!

Jenny decides that the only thing that can ruin their friendship is if something ruins their romantic relationship.  Huh? Isn’t pretty much the opposite of what Shane just said?  Jenny’s gotta get out.  The crazy has reached its max (where is he?) for even her and she says she has to go.

I really just needed this:

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for the whole hour.

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  1. ren
    February 27, 2009 at 6:43 PM

    oh how i heart you

  2. Ms Bennet
    March 11, 2009 at 12:09 PM

    this is great! really! but didn’t you leave out a part?? the part where dylan and helena keep making love and helena sobs and confesses that she’s scared and dylan comforts saying that’s okay etc. ??? what happened to that????

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